Thursday, March 18, 2010

Not Happy :(

So, I'm writing for 2 reasons today. One, because Aunt Becky told me to, and Duh. We do what the Aunt Becky says, right? Just kidding. The real reason I'm writing is because it's either this, or I go lay on my bed and cry. Since I get really fugly and all purple-puffy-eyed and can't breathe through my nose when crying, I decided this might be the better option.

This week has been more than a little rough for me. It started off with my grandmother passing away. She was a very tough old broad. She made it to 85. In fact, I celebrated her 85th birthday with her last week while I was home visiting family. She thought it was her 82nd, but whatever.  She's been declining in health lately, as well as in memory/cognitive function. She recently broke her leg doing absolutely nothing that we can determine, just osteoporosis. Well, we thought she wasn't going to make it through that, but thankfully, she stuck around a few months and I was able to get my kids on a plane (actually 2 planes and I did it by myself - really wouldn't recommend that!) and get my butt back home to visit with her. I'm so glad I did. She so enjoyed seeing my little ones. Unfortunately, my mom wasn't able to join us because she would have had to drive 21+ hours through some bad weather and my mom really doesn't need to be doing that, given her age and health either. Also, there were financial factors.  Well, the day after I got back home, I started getting emails from my aunt and it was bad news for Gram. She went down hill in a big way very quickly.  To make a long story short, I'm very thankful we got to see her before the inevitable happened, and I'm also thankful that my mom was able to get up there and see her one last time and be with her at the very end. I'm also glad that she is not in any more pain. I wish I could be with my family now, but I made a choice to go before rather than after this sad event. I think it was definitely the right one. Still miss my family though.

The other thing that is really bothering me is my return to work, which will happen this coming Monday. I'm totally not ready. I wanted my house to be somewhat clean and organized... it's not at all. But that's beside the point.  I'm not at all happy about this change. I want to be home with my kids, spending every day watching them grow and change and learn things. I want to be the one teaching them new things. I want to know exactly what's going on with every little detail, because that's the kind of mom I am. I know my kids inside and out and I live for that closeness. I do NOT want to hand over my kids every morning so I can go babysit teach a bunch of snotty teenagers and only see my kids for 3.5 hours before they go to bed. I am doing this under financial duress. If I don't go to work, I will lose my job permanently, and while I could probably handle that, I would have no health insurance and little to no income. I am willing to sacrifice many things to live off just one income, I have no problem with that, but like so many others, we are dealing with serious negative equity in our house and will likely have to move in the next few months. Moving is expensive and going without health insurance is just a bad idea (especially since I have something causing pretty bad reflux that requires a camera down my esophagus to check out).

I have been giving the kids a little time at daycare here and there to kind of warm them up a little. Since it's the same daycare my son went to, he doesn't mind returning and is actually looking forward to the playtime with his old friends. This is fine for a 4-year-old who will soon be going to school anyway.  However, my soon-to-be one-year-old is not at ALL happy about the daycare situation. The other day she cried for over an hour straight and walked around sadly looking for me. When I brought her home, she clung to me all day like she was afraid I was going to leave her again.   This drives me insane. Yeah, I totally know that she'll adjust eventually and to most people, this is not that big a deal. Well, to me, it is. I'm hurting over it. I'm also not happy that it's going to change our breastfeeding relationship, because she'll no longer get to eat when she feels the need to and I will only have one opportunity to pump per day. She'll be forced to drop one feeding each morning that she's used to. And she'll be stuck on a schedule that probably is not to her liking.  She is a grazer, she likes to nibble all day. Now she'll get snacks at snack time with everyone else. She probably also won't get her diaper changed as often as I'd like, and this kinda matters with cloth diapers....  She's going to be tired and hungry and feel abandoned all day. Great.  Just fucking great.  This is not how I like to treat my baby. I'm sorry if I'm being dramatic/hormonal/oversensitive whatever.  This is how I feel. VERY NOT HAPPY.

Going to go eat ice cream and watch Grey's Anatomy now. Comfort food and DVR, I don't know if it will help, but it's what I got.  Currently, husband is working his tail off and won't be home for a while.  Oh, let's not get started on the husband/work-widow issue.... that's another sore spot right now. Skinny cow ice cream, here I come...


  1. Oh honey..... :( I'm praying for peace of mind. Your daughter will be fine. She will be glorious and have all sorts of great friends! You will be okay too. But yes, it will be hard and I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.

    Love you, twin.... :(

  2. Sweetie, I'm so sorry. Sending you love. You may find that you're happier than you thought you could be. Hang in there.

  3. Jennifer, I will say a prayer for you. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you must feel leaving your children. I do however know the pain and separation financial troubles can cause in a marriage. In 2004, as we brought our first son into the world we could literally not buy food for ourselves. My brother bought groceries as a baby gift. The Lord provides though! We never gave up though. My husband fought and fought and now we are in a wonderful blessed time of life. Stay close to hubby and always share your feelings. But most of all SUPPORT him like crazy.

    God Bless,
    Autumn Beck

  4. So sorry for your loss and sending positive thoughts about all that lies ahead.

  5. Hang in there! You're doing a great job and it's normal to feel all of what you're feeling. Hope the ice cream helped. :hugs: