Tuesday, March 30, 2010

1st Birthday letter to my baby girl

My Sweet Baby Girl-

I can’t believe it’s already been a whole year since you entered our lives and changed everything forever. Before you, your Mommy and Big Brother were best buds and did everything together. In fact, I was worried that having you would somehow take away from our relationship, but in fact, you made me realize how much more there is to being a Mom.  You are such a different little person than your brother, right from the very beginning.

When you were first born, I was just amazed by you, your tiny little fingers and toes, the cute little birthmark by your eye, and the pretty little smile that you used to flash when you were sleeping. You were a very good sleeper and loved to cuddle. Grammy and your Auntie held you almost non-stop for the first few weeks you were home. You were good at eating right from the start too. Your tummy was like a clock and nursing you was pretty easy once we got used to each other.  You were so much fun to show off, with your adorable little outfits and your sweet cuddly personality. About the only time you were grumpy was when you didn’t get to eat the instant you demanded. 

As you grew, you took the cuddle factor to the extreme, and I became YOUR person, the only one who was able to hold and soothe you. You would scream if anyone else dared to try and hold you for more than 3 minutes, even Daddy!  You knew exactly what you wanted and you let everyone know when you weren’t getting it.  While this was sometimes exasperating, I can’t tell you how honored I felt to be so loved, and let me tell you, I loved you every bit as much and then some.  My daughter, I can’t believe I ever thought I could live without you. I was so lucky to be able to stay home and love you non-stop for the whole first year of your life.

Our life this year has been fun, spending time with you and your brother, making new friends, visiting the parks and just watching you learn and grow. I have learned all kinds of new things by having you. I learned to use and have loved using cloth diapers. I know you probably won’t know the difference, but your little bum has contributed almost no trash to the landfills to sit and haunt us forever.  And let me tell you, you rocked people’s socks in those cute cloth diapers & your little dresses.

Over the last few months, your personality has really blossomed, and I think that you are going to be very much like me. You are curious and adventurous to a fault – often climbing where you shouldn’t and falling off of things. You are stubborn and will not give up when you want something. You stand up for yourself when you think someone has done you wrong – just ask Big Brother what happened when he wouldn’t share his toys. You’ve started to become so much more independent. When you started walking, you began your new adventures on your own, and happily walked (or pushed Mater) all around the playground without even looking for me. You’re not afraid to ask for help, you grab my hand and insist that I help you climb up the slide so you can hang out on the jungle gym.  Your cuddliness still shows through though, because you love to give kisses, to just about everyone you know, but especially Big Brother.  You are a great little communicator, not only have you mastered the sign language that I’ve shown you, but you mimic the sounds of so many words. It cracks me up when you make an animal noise (elephants, monkeys, dogs, ducks – lots of ducks) or say “Goo Gur” after I tell you what a Good Girl you are. 

I think you’ve recently figured out that you have a Daddy and are starting to fall in love with him, just like I did.  Every time you see Daddy’s picture anywhere in the house, you point and say “DaDa”. And now you show off for him and try to get his attention whenever he is home. How can he help but melt when he hears your little laugh or you flash him those big brown expressive eyes?  I don’t mind sharing you, my sweet girl. I’m so proud of you, I could burst.  Can’t wait to see what the next year brings.
                                                                                                All the love in the universe,

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Not Happy :(

So, I'm writing for 2 reasons today. One, because Aunt Becky told me to, and Duh. We do what the Aunt Becky says, right? Just kidding. The real reason I'm writing is because it's either this, or I go lay on my bed and cry. Since I get really fugly and all purple-puffy-eyed and can't breathe through my nose when crying, I decided this might be the better option.

This week has been more than a little rough for me. It started off with my grandmother passing away. She was a very tough old broad. She made it to 85. In fact, I celebrated her 85th birthday with her last week while I was home visiting family. She thought it was her 82nd, but whatever.  She's been declining in health lately, as well as in memory/cognitive function. She recently broke her leg doing absolutely nothing that we can determine, just osteoporosis. Well, we thought she wasn't going to make it through that, but thankfully, she stuck around a few months and I was able to get my kids on a plane (actually 2 planes and I did it by myself - really wouldn't recommend that!) and get my butt back home to visit with her. I'm so glad I did. She so enjoyed seeing my little ones. Unfortunately, my mom wasn't able to join us because she would have had to drive 21+ hours through some bad weather and my mom really doesn't need to be doing that, given her age and health either. Also, there were financial factors.  Well, the day after I got back home, I started getting emails from my aunt and it was bad news for Gram. She went down hill in a big way very quickly.  To make a long story short, I'm very thankful we got to see her before the inevitable happened, and I'm also thankful that my mom was able to get up there and see her one last time and be with her at the very end. I'm also glad that she is not in any more pain. I wish I could be with my family now, but I made a choice to go before rather than after this sad event. I think it was definitely the right one. Still miss my family though.

The other thing that is really bothering me is my return to work, which will happen this coming Monday. I'm totally not ready. I wanted my house to be somewhat clean and organized... it's not at all. But that's beside the point.  I'm not at all happy about this change. I want to be home with my kids, spending every day watching them grow and change and learn things. I want to be the one teaching them new things. I want to know exactly what's going on with every little detail, because that's the kind of mom I am. I know my kids inside and out and I live for that closeness. I do NOT want to hand over my kids every morning so I can go babysit teach a bunch of snotty teenagers and only see my kids for 3.5 hours before they go to bed. I am doing this under financial duress. If I don't go to work, I will lose my job permanently, and while I could probably handle that, I would have no health insurance and little to no income. I am willing to sacrifice many things to live off just one income, I have no problem with that, but like so many others, we are dealing with serious negative equity in our house and will likely have to move in the next few months. Moving is expensive and going without health insurance is just a bad idea (especially since I have something causing pretty bad reflux that requires a camera down my esophagus to check out).

I have been giving the kids a little time at daycare here and there to kind of warm them up a little. Since it's the same daycare my son went to, he doesn't mind returning and is actually looking forward to the playtime with his old friends. This is fine for a 4-year-old who will soon be going to school anyway.  However, my soon-to-be one-year-old is not at ALL happy about the daycare situation. The other day she cried for over an hour straight and walked around sadly looking for me. When I brought her home, she clung to me all day like she was afraid I was going to leave her again.   This drives me insane. Yeah, I totally know that she'll adjust eventually and to most people, this is not that big a deal. Well, to me, it is. I'm hurting over it. I'm also not happy that it's going to change our breastfeeding relationship, because she'll no longer get to eat when she feels the need to and I will only have one opportunity to pump per day. She'll be forced to drop one feeding each morning that she's used to. And she'll be stuck on a schedule that probably is not to her liking.  She is a grazer, she likes to nibble all day. Now she'll get snacks at snack time with everyone else. She probably also won't get her diaper changed as often as I'd like, and this kinda matters with cloth diapers....  She's going to be tired and hungry and feel abandoned all day. Great.  Just fucking great.  This is not how I like to treat my baby. I'm sorry if I'm being dramatic/hormonal/oversensitive whatever.  This is how I feel. VERY NOT HAPPY.

Going to go eat ice cream and watch Grey's Anatomy now. Comfort food and DVR, I don't know if it will help, but it's what I got.  Currently, husband is working his tail off and won't be home for a while.  Oh, let's not get started on the husband/work-widow issue.... that's another sore spot right now. Skinny cow ice cream, here I come...